Charlotte's Diary

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 11:48:29 GMT

I am declaring a jihad on dry skin!!!! I have ex-foliated within an inch of my life and then slapped body butter everywhere. I hate winter - the heating in my house dries up my skin and I feel so ugly. Now I am soft and shiny and lovely!!!! And tonight I am spending an evening with Gavin; makes a BIG difference from last New Years Eve eh???

Last NYE I spent talking to Thomas; until about 11:45 when he had to go; so I got into the shower and had a good cry about how crap everything was. This NYE I'll be in a nice hotel with a wonderful man who loves me :).

We decided that we are going to go away for Valentine's Day in 2008 too! Well our conversation went something like this;

Me: What shall we do for Valentines Day?
Gav: do you want to go away somewhere?
Me: Ooo yes; how about Amsterdam?
Gav: And you'll buy me a lapdance for Valentines Day?
Me: NO maybe somewhere else then
Gav: I'll buy you one too!
Me: SO VENICE? PRAGUE?

He was only joking of course. I don't know where we are going to go though. Amsterdam is more of a girlie holiday than a romantic break. We went to Paris last month so that's out. Venice sounds nice so does Rome. Or maybe a cottage in Scotland. But when I suggested Scotland to him he just laughed. I think that could be lovely!!! Nice long walk up a hill or something and lots of whiskey!! I'm going to Edinburgh for my friends Hen weekend in April. But that will be more of a city break. And a very girlie holiday!!

I'm so happy :) and I don't have to go back to work until Thursday 3rd Hurrah!!!!! I've been off since 21st December!

Christmas!

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 12:48:24 GMT

Gosh; it's been SO LONG since I posted. Because I've been soooo busy!

First of all - Ben and I... didn't work out. Never going to work out. Some random sex between relationships is pretty much all he is good for :P.

Secondly - I've got a new boyfriend :-). His name is Gavin and he's soooo perfect! We have so much in common and we have so much fun together. He makes me laugh a lot; and he totally understands me. We went to Paris together a few weeks ago! It was so random - we were chatting and I said I really wanted to go to Paris and he said he loved it there and I said 'well let's go then!' and he said 'OK want to fly on 30th November for a long weekend?'. And suddenly BOOM it's all booked and we're on a plane!! We had such a great time. We were staying in a hotel right next to the Eiffel Tower! I could see it from the bedroom window!!! LOOK AT OUR VIEW!!

Can you believe it?? It was so beautiful. We went up and looked out over Paris at night; it was gorgeous. Such a romantic city. I want to live there!!

Well coming back and emailing Thomas about it all. He got jealous or whatever; we argued and basically we haven't talked for over 3 weeks now. Which I am glad of. This time last year I was so unhappy and a lot of it was down to him. Now I'm SO HAPPY and so in love and it's with one of the best men I've ever known. Gavin is such a little geek just like me! Last new years eve I spent crying in the shower. This NYE Gavin and I have booked a hotel room and we're going to have a nice meal and watch movies and have a few drinks and just be together :). It's everything I wished for this time last year. We've talked about living together.. I think that's going to happen in the first half of 2008. Which I can't wait for.

Last weekend we swapped presents. He got me a few jokey little things and a beautiful necklace with matching earrings. They're sooo pretty.

I got some nice Christmas presents. Christmas Day I cooked the dinner - turkey, carrots, sprouts, stuffing, ham, roast potatoes, roast parsnips, mashed potato, gravy, cranberry sauce. It was delicious if I may say so myself! In the evening we went to visit my Grandad and saw my aunt, uncle and cousin Kristy. There is so much chocolate in our house right now!!!! The Monday after New Year I'm starting my diet again hardcore!!!!

And that's pretty much a catch up for now. I've got two sewing projects I'm working on right now; I think today I'm going to watch some crappy American TV and sew!! I've got the first 10 episodes of Series Two of Heroes to watch. Oh gosh I love that show so much! Gavin made me watch the first series; it took me a week to watch all 23 episodes (while working full time too!) I was watching 4 or 5 a night some nights!!! I love it!!

Happy Christmas :)

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 13:27:11 GMT

Wow... wow wow wow wow

This made me cry buckets!!!!! I LOVE Dirty Dancing; it's my favourite film ever. I just watched a documentary on it and they mentioned this video so I looked it up.

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 13:48:01 GMT

I've had a great weekend!

Saturday morning I went shopping with my cousin. We met my other cousin and his girlfriend, my uncle and some more of that side of the family (not my side) in the pub at lunchtime and had some food while we watched football. Then B came picked me up. We didn't go look at cars in the end as I was tired and not really in the mood for car shopping. Plus there seems little point buying anything for at least a month. So we just went to his house. He asked if I wanted to go to a pub to watch the rugby or just watch it at his, or just watch a movie. Yeah right! As if I was gonna miss last nights game! We watched it at his house so we could talk a bunch too.

So I was gutted with the rugby score. It was a hard conversation with B too. We broke up years ago and have both had a lot happen since then; even though we've stayed friends, the past year or so we've drifted real far apart. He knew about Thomas and I knew about the girl he's not long broke up with. It's a bit of a mess. He admitted that he was struggling coming to terms with it all and I know I'm a emotional fuckup lately.

We basically decided to play it by ear. We'll both do what feels comfortable and right, and tell each other if there's a problem. I can talk to B, more than I could when we were together before. The past few years of being friends has made that easier.

Are we 'together' now? Hell if I know. I'm not going to tell any of my friends about it all just yet, or my family. Do I love him? Well I've always loved him; he's always been special to me after all the stuff we went through together. He told me he loved me too. I am not sure HOW I love him; if it's just because of our history or because of the present. I guess I'll work that out, but there's no rush.

I love this song sooooo much

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 09:16:14 GMT

It's such a beautiful day :-) Sunny and cold and lovely and happy and nice.

I'm going shopping with Stacey to look for fancy dress costumes for Emma's party this morning. This afternoon B and I are going to look at cars and then I'm going round to his to watch a movie and probably staying the night there. He sent me a message this morning that said 'Morning Lovely Lottie, do you still respect me?' That made me laugh.

I don't know how I feel about stuff right now; but I'm happy. I guess I have to attempt to have some kind of serious talk today; ugh!

I was right about bruises :/ but only on my chest and shoulders; so it's not like anyone's going to see them.

I can't stop grinning!!

mmmmm

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 20:44:10 GMT

I'm drunk, I ache all over, I'm exhausted. But I just had 2 hours of the best sex of my life. Hot and dirty and loud and rough and passionate and amazing.

I'm soooo gonna have bruises tomorrow.

Yes, B and I hung out Wednesday and then he came over tonight when I was here alone and wow. It's just like we never split up; only 500 times better.

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 16:04:06 GMT

I love Thomas :-)

I showed him the conversation with Matt and asked him what he thought I should do. His reply. 'Do you get on better with him than you do with me?'. I wrote this big long thing explaining that; hello! Matt is my mate who I'd like to hang out with; Thomas is a man I'd like to spend my life with. He replies 'I was just messing with you'. So I say 'I thought you cared'. He says 'I do, I'm so stupid getting jealous of your friends'. Hehehe. SURE HE'S STUPID! How jealous did I used to get of his wife for heavens sake??

Last night I felt close to him again like we used to be. Lately I dunno... I've been really angry with a lot of stuff and it's made me close off a bit. Past few days have been good. I love him. I am trying to distract myself by pretending I give a toss what other men do; but he's the only one I really care about. And that's why I can't date anyone really. It just wouldn't be fair to know that I'm still so in love with him.

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 09:24:13 GMT

Text message conversation between Matt and I last night at about 1am to 2am….

ME: Awake?
MATT: Am now! Ha. Was tossing and turning, considered texting Lisa actually so I’m glad you got to me before I did xx
ME: I knew you were that’s why I texted you to stop you. Twin telepathy
MATT: Ha! Thanks. Whats up?
ME: Can’t sleep, thinking about Thomas. Plus I knew you were considering texting Lisa!!
MATT: I deleted her number but I was considering going online to my o2 account and checking my text list. I know certain times that I texted her so could figure it out. I only want to tell her how wonderful the last few weeks have been with unadulterated sex, smoking and alcohol… which she drove me to…. The bitch! Ha. I’m not bitter. Stop thinking about Edgar
ME: I need someone amazing to concentrate on fully. Maybe Jesus!
MATT: One day we’ll get together and the birds will fall from the trees! I’m telling ya. Have you ever known two people get on so well as me and you? That sentence was so grammatically fuct I don’t even care! See how much I like you? We both keep messing up relationships and focusing on idiots on purpose! It’s cupid!
ME: Maybe. You are one of my best mates or something though. Usually I can pretend to be totally sane and nice to a bloke for at least a few weeks. But you already know all my faults! And my fuckedupness. It would be a laugh though, my family LOVE YOU. My sister and I had a conversation the other day about how we never meet men we can imagine getting on with our family. Then my sister said ‘but we want to adopt Matt’.
MATT: Best mates are good in bed Chaz. Hehe I’ll always be here for ya, whatever ya do or wherever ya go. But it’s a shame we don’t at least combine our comedy brains… think of the awards…
ME: Aw I love you xx I always feel all happy and joyful when we indulge in some mutual emotional masturbation so to speak. I do mean emotionally, like, a heart orgasm. It’s good to tell each other how wonderful we are innit?
MATT: Ha I love you too my little sex deviant

After this we bounced off ideas for a comedy show lol. I don’t want to mess up my friendship with Matthew; so I’m NEVER going to be more than friends with him.

Natalie is looking at spending a weekend at Warwick Castle omg I want to too. I LOVE Warwick Castle. I love the dungeons and the gardens. We’re watching the advertising video it looks so cool.

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 22:34:36 GMT

oh my gosh........

wow... just wow.

I laughed so much my sister came in to see if I was ok.

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 21:55:59 GMT

I love Muse so much. Matt Bellamy is my idol. I don't know what I'd do without my music sometimes. So few of my friends like them too. I forced Frank to listen to them and he hated them. I made Thomas listen to them and he liked them :) It meant a lot to me. I know I can get on with someone who enjoys good music!

I asked Thomas today why he talks to me. I mean; for 2 years we've spoken almost every day. For most of that time we've talked ALL day; from around mid-day to when I go to sleep. So much talking and yet we still have a lot to say to each other. I'm never stuck for stuff to talk about and I'm usually smiling while we talk. We just bounce off each other well. But still; WHY? I mean, he's gone through all the 'omg i'm leaving my wife to be with you' bs and we've pretty much established that is all talk and no trousers. Of course I still have the hope, and he still says stuff to that extent. But his whole 'fake a happy marriage and maybe it will happen' thing seems to be going further than he expected; and he seems to be settling back down. So anyway. Why still devote so much time to a whiner? I asked him and he said 'I talk to you because you make me smile and I enjoy what you have to say. You're interesting and funny'.

Well; I don't really think I'm either. Except for today in my class when everyone was saying 'oh 30 is the new 20, people are doing things in their 30's that they used to do in their 20s as they settle down later etc' and I said 'are you joking? I'm 24 and I feel like I'm 50' and everyone laughed.

But it's true :( I feel so old lately!!

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 10:53:39 GMT

On Sunday B came round and we had a really good day. I can’t remember the last time we just hung out as friends. I haven’t ‘seen’ him for soooo long. I was a bit nervous! But I need not have been. Well he got to mine just after lunch and we sat in the lounge and had a good long chat and a pot of tea. Then I told him I was looking at cars and he got all excited about that; and made fun of me for saying I searched the listings by colour. Well sorry, but it’s important what it looks like! If I’m spending £5000 on something then I want it to look right! And green, purple and blue are my favourite colours to wear; so I’m thinking a car in those colours. Anyway. He said we should look online and I was like ‘oh my computer is in my bedroom…’. And he looked at me as if I was insane and he says ‘so?’. And I could hardly say ‘well ok we can look at cars but we can’t have any sex’ could I?! I mean what if that wasn’t even in his mind?? Then I’d look AWFUL! So I said ‘ok lets go!’ and we went up to my room.

It was fine, we didn’t have sex don’t worry. We sat on my bed on my computer and looked at some cars but I couldn’t find one I liked and it was boring to be perfectly honest. But sitting next to him was nice. I felt like I was 17 again, his leg was pressed against mine, obviously flirting a bit but not wanting to take it further. I like that; it was innocent but exciting at the same time. And it really did make me feel like a teenager! I don’t know what I would have done if he had tried anything on, but he didn’t. There were a few times when we looked at each other a bit longer than need be. And I found myself biting my lip; I was that nervous! It’s hard to explain, I dunno. First stages of flirtation with a man I’ve known for 9 years and slept with hundreds of times in the past? Or just a lingering closeness between two friends who care a lot about each other? Who knows. I know I liked it. It made me really happy; even though nothing happened.

When he left he gave me a kiss on the cheek which was nice. I sent him a text message about 10 minutes after he had gone saying ‘it was so nice to see you, we should hang out again soon’. And he sent me one back saying ‘Good to see you too lovely Lottie’. Hehehehe. Yesterday I talked to him online and he said he will take me to a dealership this weekend to look at cars.

I’m so happy :) That we can just hang out and be friends and all the past be exactly that, the past.

I had a first aid course yesterday so was out of the office all day, it was a nice break! I skipped college though; I’m so naughty. I was just too tired. I went to bed at 22:30 last night and slept through to 7:00! Hurrah!

Sat, 13 Oct 2007 10:06:36 GMT

I've been so busy lately I hardly have time to think. This is how my days go;

6am - get up
7am - leave house
8am - get to work and get super busy to get all my work finished by...
~1:15pm - when Thomas gets to work and we start chatting on gmail
5pm - leave work and head to college
6pm - college starts
9pm - leave college
9:10pm - talk to Thomas some more
11pm - shower and read or talk to Thomas on MSN (cause he's gone home)

On the days I don't have college (Wed, Thur, Fri) I just head straight home at 4:30 and talk to Thomas all night. Sometimes I play WOW a bit at the same time.

I really need to get out more!!

And I really should stop relying on Thomas so much.

We are getting on so well lately though. We haven't argued for ages or got upset with each other or anything. Yesterday we had a really good long chat about everything, and I feel so much better for it :-). I love him so much. I just can't get over how well he understands ME. Or how similar the things we want are. He's talked to that other girl a bit but I'm trying not to let it bother me; any of the stuff with her.

This is going to sound really stupid, but I can't imagine having sex with anyone else and not thinking 'this isn't it'. Unless I can meet someone who has that same connection.. which I doubt; I mean I've never felt so able to express myself so openly. I remember suggesting one thing in particular to Frank and his response was 'I'm not doing that! It's dirty!' Well DUH THAT'S WHY I SAID IT! When I suggested the same thing to Thomas (all those years ago hehe) his response was 'fuck that's so hot, you're so hot' etc etc. I mean, sex was lovely with Frank. I loved him. We were going to be married. But 'lovely' and 'oh my god thats so hot' are a bit different :P. Some days, you need lovely. Most days it's nice to put a bit of 'oh my god' into your life :P. We had our moments, I mean sometimes it got close. But he just wouldn't open his mind enough. Oh well. Good job I didn't marry him and THEN talk to Thomas that way and realise how different things could be!! I wouldn't put myself in his shoes for all the tea in China!

This weekend I am... doing not a lot. I'm baking flapjacks today, talking to Thomas this afternoon. I need to go and bug Wendy for some fabric for a quilt I'm working on. Right now though I'm going to hammer on the piano. I found my Muse sheet music!!!

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 13:59:30 GMT

WTF!!!

'should you be worried t hat i met a woman last night? no. Should you be worried that flirting with her was the highlight of my week? yes.'

WHAT THE FUCK MCDREAMY TURNED INTO MCBASTARD!!!!!!!!!!

I am too into greys anatomy lately. I paused it to vent my frustration on my journal. Oh dear.

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 13:18:20 GMT

Ok, I am still on season 3 of greys anatomy (nearly done) but at the end of the last episode mcdreamy was eyeing up a girl in a bar.

IF HE CHEATS ON MEREDITH I AM GONNA STOP WATCHING IT I SWEAR TO GOD!!!!!

Time for next episode :) I think this is the season finale.

Crafts

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 15:20:39 GMT

I have been off work today sick. But around 3pm I got bored and started to feel better... so I pulled out my craft box. I have been putting off making birthday cards as long as I can, but I've got 2 aunts with birthdays soon. I'm glad I took the time to do this; I spent about 45 minutes on two cards (though the first 10 minutes was me getting angry with my supplies for not being what I needed or giving me inspiration). I suck at making cards, but if you're interested...

and

You can't really see too clearly, but the bottom one has blue flowers I drew details on in black felt tip and cut out. Both use really nice textured paper (the pink on top and the dark blue and cream on bottom) that I got from my sister for my birthday, it's all bumpy! And a real pain to write/draw on!!! It's very porous.

I am going to start my Christmas cards soon. I REALLY love Christmas. Every year I cross stitch my cards, last year I was lazy and demotivated so I just made them from paper and card. But this year I'm doing my embroidery again. At least for my grandparents and my parents cards. And for Matt's mum too maybe :P

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 08:05:34 GMT

I think I found the thing I need :) I will post more later because I'm in a hurry right now, but I feel better.

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 09:16:24 GMT

My weekend was quite good. I went out with Simon and it was ok. More details later, I cba atm.

I spent a lot of time this weekend playing Warcraft with my friends from Nottingham. There are 4 guys who went to uni together and play together. I’ve played with them for a few months they’re great and we make a perfect group. We’ve got a couple of arena teams and me and the one guy played a bunch of arena and did battlegrounds together. He is my secret favourite out of them all shhh. He is the only one who had heard of the town I live in, as he’s been here a few times for work. He said next time he’s here he’ll buy me a drink hehehe.

I was also quite surprised by J. I was supposed to be meeting a bunch of people from my old office on Friday, but I bailed and cancelled. He phoned me later (drunk I think) and complained that I hadn’t gone and asked me when we could hang out etc.

I had a bit of a revelation this weekend. I don’t like how my life is right now. There’s a lot I want to change. There’s a lot of good stuff… but some bad. I am gonna fix it up.

I’ve got college tonight and I’m quite looking forward to it. I love my Monday class, it’s my Tuesday class that I’m more wary of. It’s hard!! I am embracing the challenge though – promise!

I hung out with my sisters quite a bit this weekend, which is great. I have hardly seen them lately. Emily bought a guy home Saturday night!!!!!!!! He slept on the sofa in the lounge. She told my parents he’s just a friend who missed his bus back home, but she told me later that he’s a lad she works with and she kissed him Saturday night! Aww! Emily is as bad as me; she’s been single for about a year. He seemed really nice and very polite. I approve! And he’s a microbiologist too so they can talk about bacteria and stuff! She told me she liked him about a month ago.

I’m chatting to Nottingham guy on MSN at the moment :). YES I WORK HARD I PROMISE!!!!!

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 16:38:05 GMT

I DONT WANT TO GO OUT WITH SIMON I AM SCARED :(

I haven't been on a 'date' for over 5 years. :/

uuughhhh!!

I don't even LIKE him, I'm only going as a practice in case I meet someone I do like :/.

I want Thomas :(

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 12:38:54 GMT

IT'S SO COLD!! I love the cold usually. But we don't even have hot water right now. Luckily our shower is electric not gas. We're getting a new boiler next week. Until then I'm taking 2 showers a day and wearing 2 pairs of socks around the house!! Washing my hands in cold water is surely bad for my skin; I dunno but I'm putting more moisturiser on than usual just in case!! I wash my hands too often I like being cleeeean.

I got this years winter coat yesterday; it's sooo beautiful. It's red with big black buttons down the front, 3/4 length so it's just above my knee, red belt around the waist, wool blend with a nice silky lining. It's exactly what I was looking for! I also got some beautiful lingerie, all pink and black and silk and lace and ribbons and lovely! I had a bit of a shopping spree, I got one of the new style blue DKNY bags as well; they're so cute. I hadn't seen them before yesterday. And some blouses for work. Just stuff I neeeeded. I got new jeans and they're soooo tight I had to lie down on my bed to do them up, but once on they look great - yeah I plan to lose more weight fast :P. I am pretty flush this month; which makes up for having no spare cash the past few months! I put £1k into my car fund :-).

I'm giving Bec a piano lesson this afternoon and I told her we could bake fairy cakes after. We have to call them fairy cakes, not butterfly cakes, as Emily is scared of butterflies!! That's Becky's rule! She's the best kid in the world.

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:11:27 GMT

Matt has invited me to go to Florida with his family!

Conversation went like this.

Matt: I miss you, we never hang out any more
Me: I know I'm so busy with college and work and stuff I need a break
Matt: Good, come to Florida with me in four weeks
Me: Wtf?! Who with?
Matt: Me and parents, aunt and uncle, brother
Me: I hardly know your family! What if they all hate me?
Matt: Are you kidding? My mom shows everyone the Christmas card you made me
Me: joker, shut up
Matt: Yea my ex girlfriend was a drug taking barmaid. She wants me to marry you
Me: Well we couldn't get married; our children would be too good looking and too funny - everyone would hate them
Matt: So true, you coming or what?

I don't know! I would LOVE to go. His family own a house there and spend quite a lot of time there; parents are planning to move there next year. But it would be so strange being on some family holiday that wasn't my family. And he's not my boyfriend or anything and NEVER would be - we're just friends. People might assume stuff and it could get embarrassing. Or HE might assume stuff which would just be mortifying!!!

Matt is one of my favourite people in the world. He's been an awesome friend to me for the past few years. He sent me this text message after we finished talking today 'Thank you babe. It's people like you that I need in my life and it's about time that I realised that xx'

Today Thomas told me that he didn't realise the x's I put at the end of emails were meant to be kisses. I said 'what did you think they were for?!' he said 'I dunno, saying goodbye or something'. How can anyone in the World not realise what x's at the end of a letter/email mean?!?!!! That cracked me up. The fact he never asked - I do them on 90% of my emails I'm pretty sure. I write him I dunno, 50 emails a day?! A lot of the time we talk by email because gmail is harder to chat on at work. Today we're on gmail hurrah.

I am in SUCH A GREAT MOOD today! I had a lot of rubbish happening at work today but I just kept on smiling. I dunno what's up with me. Maybe just the relief that I could leave work and come straight home for once!!!! I got home at 7pm - AMAZING. When I have college I get home at 9:30pm. I'm PAID to work until 4:30pm. I don't mind working late at all; but it gets a bit much after a while. Plus I'm happy to be chatting to Thomas, plus it was great to catch up with Matt. And Thomas got a promotion at work which cheered me up too.

Reading an excellent book - Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides. EXCELLENT book. So fucked up - exactly the kind of thing I like to read (I like unusual books that both educate and make you question how you'd react to situations). Incest and little girls who discover they're actually boys... all set over three generations; a Greek family who pursue 'the American dream' and travel to Detroit; brother and sister get secretly married and have a son, who falls in love with what he thinks is his second cousin. They have a child who turns out to have both genders reproductive organs. The book starts in the early 20th century and dips back and forth in time over the whole century. He wrote The Virgin Suicides too - which was made into a film; though I've never seen the film. I enjoyed the book but it was nowhere near as strong as Middlesex.

Yeah, I need a book group!!

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 10:52:58 GMT

It’s raining so much today, I love it! I love rain. I guess I’m lucky I live in England then!!!! When I lived in Oregon and Washington it rained a bunch too. I like rainy places!

Is that a bit unusual? I find rain really sexy. I don’t know. All my fantasies used to involve sex outdoors in the rain. I guess I vary a bit more now :P. I also can’t imagine many men agreeing with me. Once Frank and I were driving in the rain and I was like ‘lets park up and find somewhere quiet and have hotsex in the rain’. He was like ‘What? No. Control yourself woman!!’. I did once with B, but I don’t want to think about that right now. And I never told him ‘I want to have sex in the rain’ it just happened. I guess it’s better that way.

I love the smell too. And coming in out of it, putting pjyama’s on and having a nice hot cup of tea. I think rain is my favourite smell ever. I do like the smell of men though. I used to love the smell of Frank’s mouthwash, but by the time we split up it made me feel sick. How odd is that? I got so irritated with him in the last year that we were together. I started to hate bands just because he liked them. I got so petty about stuff. MEH!!!

Haha, I share my office with another girl who works out of here 2 days a week, so most of the time I’m alone here and it’s pretty quiet. I like it when she’s in because it’s someone to talk to. Today she put a car air freshener thing she got from our marketing department up in the office. It absolutely stinks, it’s all flowery and horrid. So we threw it in the shredding bin. Now we’ve got the giggles imagining the people who work for the paper recycling company putting our bin through the shredder and suddenly being assaulted by this horrible floral stench.

Great, I’ve just been nominated for a meeting that will last until 6pm. I wanted to get out of here at 4:30 today. Wednesday is my NIGHT OFF!!!! Monday and Tuesday I have college, Thursday and Friday I’m going out. Saturday I miiiight be going out, Sunday I’ll do college work. Wednesday is my night to watch Desperate Housewives, Ugly Betty, Greys Anatomy, My Name Is Earl…. I’ve got them all downloaded and ready to GO! Grrr!! They won’t be shown in the UK for months, but the quality I can download at it’s practically like watching it on tv.

I did a bit of behaviour analysis yesterday. I am really hard on Thomas sometimes. I mean, he’s hurt me. He’s done bad things. But he had reasons to, you know? I need to stop letting my feelings get in the way of rational thinking. I am quite stressed lately. With work and college and I’ve been feeling sick. And he’s the person I’m closest too so he gets to deal with me being a mardy cow. Which isn’t really very fair. I feel better now I’ve started to understand why and how I get like that. I felt a bit out of control of myself earlier in the week, all emotional and stupid. Now I feel in control again. I think part of it is to do with my diet. I have been eating all sorts of junk lately, I even had chocolate the past 2 weeks – after 4 months of no chocolate!! I’m going to get strict with it again. The more fruit and vegetables I eat the happier I am. It’s TRUE. I had a banana for breakfast and I’m getting a salad for lunch. I’m also going to run with my mum on Saturday.

I really need a new briefcase. I’ve got £30 House of Fraser vouchers I might go and put them towards a nice one. I’ve seen a Mulberry one that I LOVE. It would last me forever and ever because I’d never want to stop using it, it’s so beautiful. But they’re around £500 which is too much I suppose :(. I’m supposed to be saving money. Booooooo!! I’m sure I’ll find a nice enough one.

I’ve found out today I’ve got a tribunal at the end of the month!!! OMG!!! I shouldn’t be excited but I am! I’ve dealt with plenty of grievance cases but never one that’s got to tribunal stage. Well, we had one at my last place but I didn’t handle it another woman did. I’m going to be the representative omgomgomg. I can’t wait!!!

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:08:42 GMT

Hurrah, Emma invited me to a fancy dress party! How exciting. I haven't been to one for about 18 months. Last time was for Linda's 40th when I went as Wednesday Adams and my Mum went as Morticia Adams. It was cool, well my costume was pretty much a black and white school uniform and then I dyed my hair black and put it in two braids. That's when my hair was longer and lovely, now it's all short!!

I don't know what to go as! Going to go shopping on the weekend and have a look.

A bloke is fixing our boiler today so I've had to move all my stuff back out of my bedroom, right after I moved it all in arrrgh. I hate living in that house. Well, it was nice last night to go home and have my dinner cooked for me - what a treat! I didn't get in till 9pm and usually by that time I'd be too tired to cook much so I'd just do a jacket potato or some pasta. I'm not even going to unpack properly this time; I HAVE to buy somewhere! I can't believe I'm 24 and still don't own any property. It's ridiculous in this day and age. Renting is SUCH a waste of money.

J asked me if I want to go out on Friday night I was like 'ummmmm urrrrr umm' he's like 'all that lot are going'. So I said 'OH SURE!' I think I sounded too enthusiastic. I thought he was asking me out just ME. I haven't spoken to him for weeks before I got a message from him on facebook this morning.

Thursday I'm going for a meal with some girls I know. They all work in HR or Law so it's always useful to bounce stuff off each other. We try and meet up once a month but it's fallen to every 2 months lately; which is a shame as it's always fun. We're going for a chinese. Won't be a late night thought it's all a bit professional and formal, not exactly a night out drinking or anything. I'm really looking forward to it though as me and one of the other girls have started new jobs since we last met so lots to talk about. Plus my college course will be interesting to them all, as none of them did the ILM they all just did the CPP then the CIPD. I'll do 2 years of the CIPD after the ILM, they did 3 years CIPD instead. I think it's better to get the two memberships/qualifications rather than just one.

Anyway it's lunchtime and I'm at college till 9 again so I am going to get something substantial. I think the canteen is doing lasagne today mmmmmmmm!!

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 22:18:59 GMT

hell. I don't know. Listening to this song just made me break down I swear I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't breathe I'm crying so hard. It's all just so hard. I love him SO FUCKING MUCH. So much that he's all I think about all day and all night. And I miss him so bad. We talk all day now but it's not the same not being able to talk on the phone very often. And I was looking forward to talking to him after he finished work tonight SO BAD but I can't because his brother took his phone off him or some retarded reason, I don't know. It's just horrible horrible horrible horrible I just need him.

And I told him that talking to him was the thing I looked forward to most all day (meaning on the phone, hearing his voice, being relaxed and happy etcetc like we always ARE on the phone) and he's like 'do you look forward to yelling at me too?'. God.

I am useless.

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 22:12:35 GMT

I think I am coming down with something; my chest is really tight and I keep coughing. Then at college this evening my neck started to ache and now it's killing me. Boo :( I hate being sick. I am dosing up of vitamin's and hoping for the best!

Thomas is being so hot and cold today I swear. One second he is saying he loves me, then he's talking about sex, then suddenly he's like 'you're always calling me names'. Like wtf? I guess I am all over the place right now too. I am NOT fun when I'm ill. I talked to Yannick about it all the other night. He was like 'how do you know he loves you?'. So I say 'because he tells me he does dumbass'. So Yannick says 'but when did he last show you that he does?'. I was like hmmm good question. My head is such a mess right now I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. No... I don't. I want a wonderful, perfect, amazing man to suddenly appear in my life and be completely enraptured with me and me with him. Can I please have a do-over? The last one that turned up was all married and stuff.

LOTS OF SIGHING!!!

One of my favourite songs ever covered by one of my favourite bands :-). I LOVE MUSE SO MUCH!!! Matt Bellamy is my hero.

I made a friend at college! She sits next to me every class and we get coffee together and complain about the assignments!

My room is such a mess I am going to have a nervous breakdown if I can't get rid of these boxes and bags before I go to sleep.

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 09:46:26 GMT

Had a good time at Darren’s the other night but I was too tired really. I was falling asleep by 10:30 and we left around 11. I had worked then gone to college then gone up to Daz’s and I just wasn’t in the mood!

Yesterday I was rather hungover and very tired though. I had a training course which I quite enjoyed on Time Management. The trainer was really good; PLUS he gave me a ride home at the end!! Well he asked where I lived and I told him and he said ‘oh I live really close! Do you want a lift home?’. Then when we’re in the car I asked exactly where he lived and he told me; it’s bloody miles away from my house! Same kind of direction but he had to go way out of his way. What a lovely man.

We’ve just had a staff briefing at work and pretty much all the information I need for my homework this week was in it! Sorted. I got a copy of the slides from our CEO so I’ve just got to put them into my own words now. That was easier than I expected!

My office is such a MESS right now. I’ve got induction packs all over the table and my stationery order is in boxes piled up. There are loads of printer cartridges in here that I need to take down to IT. My desk is totally covered in paper. I hate mess!! I can’t stand disorder. I’m going to spend the morning having a good clear up. I might even do my filing!!! It’s a good Friday activity :)

Belle De Jour was excellent but VERY racy. I didn’t expect them to be so explicit on TV! It verged on erotica in some bits. Her blog is obviously; exactly that. A blog. It’s not really a STORY. I expect they’re going to make some kind of love story or something ridiculous like that using the character; with some of the clients etc from her blog. I did enjoy the horse bloke. That’s how I imagined him to be. Though I don’t like the idea of Belle using her own flat; that’s WRONG! Her flat is where she’s herself; not where she’s a hooker. I LOVE this comment she made on her blog;

“Shock, horror!

Television show about a working girl likely to offend... because it uses the C-word.

What dat, I wonder? Cradle? Cataract? Caffeinated?

Oh, right... cunt. Someone alert the media! Wait, someone already has.”

She rules.

I love Elton John today.

Last night I listened to a 7 year old play Chopin better than I do. I am going to spend all weekend practicing!!