I am declaring a jihad on dry skin!!!! I have ex-foliated within an inch of my life and then slapped body butter everywhere. I hate winter - the heating in my house dries up my skin and I feel so ugly. Now I am soft and shiny and lovely!!!! And tonight I am spending an evening with Gavin; makes a BIG difference from last New Years Eve eh???

Last NYE I spent talking to Thomas; until about 11:45 when he had to go; so I got into the shower and had a good cry about how crap everything was. This NYE I'll be in a nice hotel with a wonderful man who loves me :).

We decided that we are going to go away for Valentine's Day in 2008 too! Well our conversation went something like this;

Me: What shall we do for Valentines Day?
Gav: do you want to go away somewhere?
Me: Ooo yes; how about Amsterdam?
Gav: And you'll buy me a lapdance for Valentines Day?
Me: NO maybe somewhere else then
Gav: I'll buy you one too!
Me: SO VENICE? PRAGUE?

He was only joking of course. I don't know where we are going to go though. Amsterdam is more of a girlie holiday than a romantic break. We went to Paris last month so that's out. Venice sounds nice so does Rome. Or maybe a cottage in Scotland. But when I suggested Scotland to him he just laughed. I think that could be lovely!!! Nice long walk up a hill or something and lots of whiskey!! I'm going to Edinburgh for my friends Hen weekend in April. But that will be more of a city break. And a very girlie holiday!!

I'm so happy :) and I don't have to go back to work until Thursday 3rd Hurrah!!!!! I've been off since 21st December!

Gosh; it's been SO LONG since I posted. Because I've been soooo busy!

First of all - Ben and I... didn't work out. Never going to work out. Some random sex between relationships is pretty much all he is good for :P.

Secondly - I've got a new boyfriend :-). His name is Gavin and he's soooo perfect! We have so much in common and we have so much fun together. He makes me laugh a lot; and he totally understands me. We went to Paris together a few weeks ago! It was so random - we were chatting and I said I really wanted to go to Paris and he said he loved it there and I said 'well let's go then!' and he said 'OK want to fly on 30th November for a long weekend?'. And suddenly BOOM it's all booked and we're on a plane!! We had such a great time. We were staying in a hotel right next to the Eiffel Tower! I could see it from the bedroom window!!! LOOK AT OUR VIEW!!




Can you believe it?? It was so beautiful. We went up and looked out over Paris at night; it was gorgeous. Such a romantic city. I want to live there!!

Well coming back and emailing Thomas about it all. He got jealous or whatever; we argued and basically we haven't talked for over 3 weeks now. Which I am glad of. This time last year I was so unhappy and a lot of it was down to him. Now I'm SO HAPPY and so in love and it's with one of the best men I've ever known. Gavin is such a little geek just like me! Last new years eve I spent crying in the shower. This NYE Gavin and I have booked a hotel room and we're going to have a nice meal and watch movies and have a few drinks and just be together :). It's everything I wished for this time last year. We've talked about living together.. I think that's going to happen in the first half of 2008. Which I can't wait for.

Last weekend we swapped presents. He got me a few jokey little things and a beautiful necklace with matching earrings. They're sooo pretty.

I got some nice Christmas presents. Christmas Day I cooked the dinner - turkey, carrots, sprouts, stuffing, ham, roast potatoes, roast parsnips, mashed potato, gravy, cranberry sauce. It was delicious if I may say so myself! In the evening we went to visit my Grandad and saw my aunt, uncle and cousin Kristy. There is so much chocolate in our house right now!!!! The Monday after New Year I'm starting my diet again hardcore!!!!

And that's pretty much a catch up for now. I've got two sewing projects I'm working on right now; I think today I'm going to watch some crappy American TV and sew!! I've got the first 10 episodes of Series Two of Heroes to watch. Oh gosh I love that show so much! Gavin made me watch the first series; it took me a week to watch all 23 episodes (while working full time too!) I was watching 4 or 5 a night some nights!!! I love it!!

Happy Christmas :)

Wow... wow wow wow wow



This made me cry buckets!!!!! I LOVE Dirty Dancing; it's my favourite film ever. I just watched a documentary on it and they mentioned this video so I looked it up.

I've had a great weekend!

Saturday morning I went shopping with my cousin. We met my other cousin and his girlfriend, my uncle and some more of that side of the family (not my side) in the pub at lunchtime and had some food while we watched football. Then B came picked me up. We didn't go look at cars in the end as I was tired and not really in the mood for car shopping. Plus there seems little point buying anything for at least a month. So we just went to his house. He asked if I wanted to go to a pub to watch the rugby or just watch it at his, or just watch a movie. Yeah right! As if I was gonna miss last nights game! We watched it at his house so we could talk a bunch too.

So I was gutted with the rugby score. It was a hard conversation with B too. We broke up years ago and have both had a lot happen since then; even though we've stayed friends, the past year or so we've drifted real far apart. He knew about Thomas and I knew about the girl he's not long broke up with. It's a bit of a mess. He admitted that he was struggling coming to terms with it all and I know I'm a emotional fuckup lately.

We basically decided to play it by ear. We'll both do what feels comfortable and right, and tell each other if there's a problem. I can talk to B, more than I could when we were together before. The past few years of being friends has made that easier.

Are we 'together' now? Hell if I know. I'm not going to tell any of my friends about it all just yet, or my family. Do I love him? Well I've always loved him; he's always been special to me after all the stuff we went through together. He told me he loved me too. I am not sure HOW I love him; if it's just because of our history or because of the present. I guess I'll work that out, but there's no rush.

I love this song sooooo much

It's such a beautiful day :-) Sunny and cold and lovely and happy and nice.

I'm going shopping with Stacey to look for fancy dress costumes for Emma's party this morning. This afternoon B and I are going to look at cars and then I'm going round to his to watch a movie and probably staying the night there. He sent me a message this morning that said 'Morning Lovely Lottie, do you still respect me?' That made me laugh.

I don't know how I feel about stuff right now; but I'm happy. I guess I have to attempt to have some kind of serious talk today; ugh!

I was right about bruises :/ but only on my chest and shoulders; so it's not like anyone's going to see them.

I can't stop grinning!!

I'm drunk, I ache all over, I'm exhausted. But I just had 2 hours of the best sex of my life. Hot and dirty and loud and rough and passionate and amazing.

I'm soooo gonna have bruises tomorrow.

Yes, B and I hung out Wednesday and then he came over tonight when I was here alone and wow. It's just like we never split up; only 500 times better.

I love Thomas :-)

I showed him the conversation with Matt and asked him what he thought I should do. His reply. 'Do you get on better with him than you do with me?'. I wrote this big long thing explaining that; hello! Matt is my mate who I'd like to hang out with; Thomas is a man I'd like to spend my life with. He replies 'I was just messing with you'. So I say 'I thought you cared'. He says 'I do, I'm so stupid getting jealous of your friends'. Hehehe. SURE HE'S STUPID! How jealous did I used to get of his wife for heavens sake??

Last night I felt close to him again like we used to be. Lately I dunno... I've been really angry with a lot of stuff and it's made me close off a bit. Past few days have been good. I love him. I am trying to distract myself by pretending I give a toss what other men do; but he's the only one I really care about. And that's why I can't date anyone really. It just wouldn't be fair to know that I'm still so in love with him.

Text message conversation between Matt and I last night at about 1am to 2am….

ME: Awake?
MATT: Am now! Ha. Was tossing and turning, considered texting Lisa actually so I’m glad you got to me before I did xx
ME: I knew you were that’s why I texted you to stop you. Twin telepathy
MATT: Ha! Thanks. Whats up?
ME: Can’t sleep, thinking about Thomas. Plus I knew you were considering texting Lisa!!
MATT: I deleted her number but I was considering going online to my o2 account and checking my text list. I know certain times that I texted her so could figure it out. I only want to tell her how wonderful the last few weeks have been with unadulterated sex, smoking and alcohol… which she drove me to…. The bitch! Ha. I’m not bitter. Stop thinking about Edgar
ME: I need someone amazing to concentrate on fully. Maybe Jesus!
MATT: One day we’ll get together and the birds will fall from the trees! I’m telling ya. Have you ever known two people get on so well as me and you? That sentence was so grammatically fuct I don’t even care! See how much I like you? We both keep messing up relationships and focusing on idiots on purpose! It’s cupid!
ME: Maybe. You are one of my best mates or something though. Usually I can pretend to be totally sane and nice to a bloke for at least a few weeks. But you already know all my faults! And my fuckedupness. It would be a laugh though, my family LOVE YOU. My sister and I had a conversation the other day about how we never meet men we can imagine getting on with our family. Then my sister said ‘but we want to adopt Matt’.
MATT: Best mates are good in bed Chaz. Hehe I’ll always be here for ya, whatever ya do or wherever ya go. But it’s a shame we don’t at least combine our comedy brains… think of the awards…
ME: Aw I love you xx I always feel all happy and joyful when we indulge in some mutual emotional masturbation so to speak. I do mean emotionally, like, a heart orgasm. It’s good to tell each other how wonderful we are innit?
MATT: Ha I love you too my little sex deviant

After this we bounced off ideas for a comedy show lol. I don’t want to mess up my friendship with Matthew; so I’m NEVER going to be more than friends with him.

Natalie is looking at spending a weekend at Warwick Castle omg I want to too. I LOVE Warwick Castle. I love the dungeons and the gardens. We’re watching the advertising video it looks so cool.

oh my gosh........



wow... just wow.

I laughed so much my sister came in to see if I was ok.

I love Muse so much. Matt Bellamy is my idol. I don't know what I'd do without my music sometimes. So few of my friends like them too. I forced Frank to listen to them and he hated them. I made Thomas listen to them and he liked them :) It meant a lot to me. I know I can get on with someone who enjoys good music!

I asked Thomas today why he talks to me. I mean; for 2 years we've spoken almost every day. For most of that time we've talked ALL day; from around mid-day to when I go to sleep. So much talking and yet we still have a lot to say to each other. I'm never stuck for stuff to talk about and I'm usually smiling while we talk. We just bounce off each other well. But still; WHY? I mean, he's gone through all the 'omg i'm leaving my wife to be with you' bs and we've pretty much established that is all talk and no trousers. Of course I still have the hope, and he still says stuff to that extent. But his whole 'fake a happy marriage and maybe it will happen' thing seems to be going further than he expected; and he seems to be settling back down. So anyway. Why still devote so much time to a whiner? I asked him and he said 'I talk to you because you make me smile and I enjoy what you have to say. You're interesting and funny'.

Well; I don't really think I'm either. Except for today in my class when everyone was saying 'oh 30 is the new 20, people are doing things in their 30's that they used to do in their 20s as they settle down later etc' and I said 'are you joking? I'm 24 and I feel like I'm 50' and everyone laughed.

But it's true :( I feel so old lately!!